Let’s recap: non-European driver license holders can drive in the UK on their non-European driver licenses for a period of up to 12 months. The Mista has been in the the UK 6 years. Ergo, the Mista should not have been driving on his non-European driver’s license when he was caught speeding on camera.
Latterly, the Mista lost his non-European driver’s license.
He shouldn’t have done that either.
Mista then received a (scary) Summons to appear in court. The (scary) Summons touched on the hitherto-unknown-to-us incident of speeding caught on film, but didn’t give much detail as to what one might expect to happen. It worried us slightly that the (scary) Summons requested the Mista bring proof of his salary when he answered The Call.
Is this socialism? Does the amount of the fine depend upon one’s personal riches?
To circumvent any potential negative impact the Mista’s carelessness might have on our application for Indefinite Leave to Remain, I insisted we accelerate our application.
“We got to get this thing [the application] in before your Summons date! You’ve got to take that test!”
“Ok. Ok. Alright already. I’ll take it this weekend.”
“You have to call to make an appointment to take it. Call them.”
“Ok. Ok. Alright already!”
Confident in my knowledge that my nagging was reaching the Mista’s tolerance threshhold, I bit my tongue.
When the Mista called the centre that administers the Life in UK Test and they informed him that they weren’t taking any more appointments for two weeks, I bit my tongue even harder.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Why didn’t you call earlier!??? (I don’t dare say it outloud, do I?)
Two crucial weeks.
It appeared UK bureaucracy was getting ready to hit us hard.
Please let the right hand not know what the left hand is doing.
After proving a rudimentary knowledge of English-ness (correction: United Kingdom-ness), I turned my thoughts to the Mista. Not so much on the Mista himself, but rather initially on his level of expertise vis-a-vis the English (um, the Brits? or whatever the fuck catch-all one would use for the English, Welsh, Scottish, and Northern Irish — that little kernel wasn’t part of the syllabis) and then later on his driving record.
For as much knowledge, rudimentary or otherwise, I might boast about my would-be adopted homeland, the Mista could fuck it all up. The Mista is generally more reflective than I am (for Christ’s sake, clarify: he’s a goddman fucking Socrates on some topics — finances, mortgages, Iraq, Bush, taxes, potential house extensions. I’ll knock his thinking cap to kingdom come when it comes to mulling over important things like what we’re having for dinner tonight, the number of extra loo rolls in the basement, when the neighbourhood Chinese will be reopening after their kitchen fire , historical trivia, and walks in the park), but, despite his major in philosophy, he is loathe to crack open the books,which contain all the secrets of English (and Welsh and Scottish, and Northern Irish) lore. I’ve had to needle and nag and cajole, and he’s only begun to study just to shut me up.
The truth is though, I know he’ll pass. He’s smart. And, he won’t want to pay 34 quid not to pass the first time. He’ll pass the test. I have no doubt.
It’s a more recent turn of events that has me worried.
In January, the Mista had a business trip, which had him returning to London through Stanstead at 23:00. Eager to get home (to me), the Mista put petal to metal and high-tailed it home.
In May the Mista lost his driver’s license in a strip club in Las Vegas.
Dumb ass.
In October the Mista received a super duper intimidating Summons to Appear Before Scary Magistrates of The English Nation.
As it transpires, in the Mista’s keenness to get home to his little wife that long ago January night, the Mista went and got himself a speeding ticket. The original notification never arrived. I suspect, but have no proof, that the rental car company failed to forward the speeding violation documentation.
The Mista’s loss of important personal documents in a dodgy establishment in Sin City does have some relevance here: Scary Summons stipulated that the Mista must bring his driving license with him to court.
I’m not normally one to be unhinged by a speeding ticket — even one accompanied by a lost driver’s license, but these are special circumstances. I (we! because what is the Mista if not an appendage — of me!) am applying for Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK.
The application process requires one reports one’s transgressions with the law –and specifically stipulates that you include any vehicular transgressions.
So, the Mista has to go to court right when our application is under consideration, and he hasn’t got a driver’s license, and even if he did have the driver’s license that he had used at the time to rent the goddamn car from the goddamn rental car company — God damn it! — it would have been his God damn American driver’s license and he shouldn’t have been driving on that because …
The best selling Life in the United Kingdom did teach me this: you can only drive with a non-European driver’s license for your first 12 months in the UK.
God damn it!
My test is on Wednesday, and I really should be studying this book. I am, however, distracted by what I think should be on the test.
Why should I care whether children can work in chip shops? I’m not – nor do I plan on being – a chip shop owner. And what about the legal smoking and drinking ages? What do I care about underage consumption? The important thing is that I am legal to drink and smoke.
In my humble estimation, the following questions are far more pertinent to this great thing I call Life in the UK.
Take the test, put your answers in the comment box, and I’ll let you know how you do.
LIFE IN THE UK – THE REAL TEST
1. What should one do on an escalator?
a. Stand on the left, walk on the right
b. Walk on the left, stand on the right
c. Whatever the hell you feel like
d. All of the above
2. What football team do true Liverpudlians support?
a. Liverpool
b. Everton
c. Fulham
d. Tottenham
3. Who is a bigger wanker?
a. A mini-cab driver
b. An estate agent
c. A bus driver
d. A meter maid (parking attendant)
4. Who is the bigger national disappointment?
a. Tony Blair
b. Tim Henneman
c. David Beckham
d. Mel C
5. Which disasters strike the greatest fear into the hearts of Great Britons?
a. Terrorists and tsunamis
b. Flooding and Big Brother profanity
c. Rabies and fire
d. French occupation
6. Which of the following is NOT a popularly held (not necessarily accurate) belief?
a. Scottish people are tight wads.
b. The Welsh like sheep.
c. Chavs like Burberry.
d. The Enlgish are a boastful lot.
7. Which is the more annoying UK export?
a. Catherine Zeta Jones
b. Victoria Beckham
c. Coldplay’s Chris Martin
d. All of the above
8. What is the more difficult to accomplish in the UK?
a. Finding a job.
b. Getting furniture delivered to your unfurnished home.
c. Getting your GP to give you a prescription you obviously need.
d. Fitting a week’s worth of food into your refrigerator.
9. What do Britons have the strongest romantic affinity for?
a. Moving to the country
b. Page 3 girls
c. The Empire
d. The Monarchy
10. Britons are most proud of …
a. Jade Goody
b. Girls Allowed
c. Simon Cowell
d. Ozzie Osbourne
The title is Life in the United Kingdom: A Journey to Citizenship. The colon isn’t really in the title; I’ve added it. Someone here once said that we Americans overuse the poor old colon, so what the hey?
It’s a riveting read told with the pizzazz one would expect only from the Home Office. The until-recently Home Secretary, John Reid, himself boasts about the commercial success of this publication in the foreward.
He writes, “The first edition of this handbook became a best-seller when it came out towards the end of 2004.”
Wasn’t it in 2004 when it became obligatory to take a test to prove your Britishness to stay in this great country? What a scheme! Imagine my traffic if I could make my content obligatory in some fashion or another!
So, my highly skilled migrant status will need renewing very soon. The next step in the process of my legally remaining in the UK is to apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain. This is a new requirement.
Thanks you bastard fucks who plotted to blow up transatlantic flights last year. Now not only do we have to worry about stuffing our personal carry-on items of a possibly flammatory nature into a little ziplock bag, but now we foreigners all have to read this best-selling handbook to pass the test that will let us stay in our homes and in our jobs. Fucking bastards.
Here are some of the examples of the interesting factoids* I have to committ to memory to stay on the shores of ol’ Albion**:***
It is permitted to discriminate on the basis of sex, religion, ethnicity in the hiring process if the job in question is to be conducted in your home.
It is permitted to discriminate against potential tenets if you (as landlord) or one of your relatives (as relatives of the landlord) will also be living in the flat.
I’m not one for discrimination, but those two exceptions seem somewhat reasonable.
Contrary to the headlines, a WAG is not a wife or girlfriend of one of our famous footballers; but rather the Welsh Assembly Government.
Children of 14-16 years of age cannot work in a chip shop.
And, a direct quote from the best-seller, “If you do have problems with your neighbours, they can usually be solved by speaking to them first.”
No fucking way! I’ve lived here long enough to know that you RARELY speak to your neighbours — and when you do, it is NOT when there is some possible dispute brewing!
I hope I pass the test. I would hate to be deported. Especially as I think I can make a contribution to the next version of the Living in the UK Test.
I’m thinking of questions; compiling them; and will publish the exam here. If you pass, I’ll give you an honourary passport. Just don’t try to travel on it.
*What is the difference between a factoid and a fact? Is it just a twatty way of saying “fact” or is it a justified way of signifying that the fact is quirky by nature. Just looked it up. Yeah! Not just a twatty whim … but does demean the fact, and therefore used most appropriately! Good on me!
**How many natively born chavs (or even non chavs) know that Albion is an old fashioned reference to England. For this little tidbit, I should be given free reign of the realm.
***Another colon. Ha!
